Gah !

Not really feeling so well this morning - while the sun outside is shining in the best of weathers, promising another summery day. I don't know what i caught - but my body feels totally off. Stiff and weak-ish. Not totally gone or so... but... oh you know; we usually feel when there is something off / going on in our bodies. Most people are not stupid in that regard, and have a feeling when they bodies behave differently.

Not really rocket science.

My ears are leaking fluid - a strange problem i have gotten since 2022 - and have sometimes lead to infections. Well, all the way to that accident last autumn which lead to fever above 40°C, and swelling of my face - temporarily disfigured and swollen, looking like a dog with too much thick skin to grow into. (it did look "funny" actually, a bit doggish in a ugly-weird-cute way).

*LOL*

So, something is going on. Now I am battling with myself, if i should call in sick or not. To be honest, i hate to call in sick. Not to mention; I also dislike the withdrawals from my salary one month later. *LOL*

For the time being, my slightly infected ear i treat with an anti fungus + cortisone ointment, which usually helps me to keep the ear in check (also stops the build-up of fluids). My hearing is OK as far as I can tell - which is a good sign. It isn't jammed like it often did in the past due to the constant exertion of fluids in the ear. important is, not to fiddle with an infected / irritated ear becuae it often makes things a lot worse.

Oh well. Bla. Bla. Bla.

Where was I ?

Right. It is a lovely summery morning, with almost no clouds, and lots of sunshine. And it is sunday. Sal is off from work, both today and tomorrow. Luckily he doesn't have to work extra, because somebody suddenly got sick.

His work is really, really intense so say the least. It demands a lot of energy dealing with so many people (guests), and being a leading figure. I can tell, because I see how exhausted he sometimes comes home from work. but boy he LOVES his work. Such dedication, passion - and discipline. It is for me - or better said, for the teenager in me - a fascinating experience to observe, reflect and learn from him.

I learn from Sal by observing him

along the road of time; how and what he does. Communication is of course very important too - but not all is direct verbal communication. Sometimes it is an act of sometimes silently observing and reflecting, which leads to interesting insights. I believe that for the teenager part in me, this both important and helpful. Because it resonantes and thinks/reflects differently compared to my older Self.

It reminds me of the partially damaged and stubborn / lost part of me, is allowed to learn, grow and mature - now many years later - in a far more stable, fruitful and warm enviroment - with and though Sal.

As I said, there are many strings attached in our relationship. And - it isn't a one way road. It goes in both directions, as he sometimes tells me, that he learns from me, as well.

This is a theory.

I am not saying everything is exactly the way the way I write it down here. Yet I do notice that parts of me do heal in this relationship along the road of time. I am aware that the quirky stripes in my personality are not vanishing by getting "erased". Instead the process adds more aspects and insights to it through growth and healing.

It is - from what I can tell - a balancing act in the larger picture / my life.

Surely our relationship, Sal and I, is fascinating; the hidden aspects and dynamics which makes us love to be together. Learn from each other.

In Oct 2026

it will been 12 years I met him the first time. In summer, it will been 11 years ago, when we started to date. And married 9 years ago.

WOW !

A relationship which has eclipsed everything else in the past. Fascinating !

Little substance in the past

It puzzles me sometimes, how little substance has been present in my earlier relationships and marriages. At the same time, I also have to ask myself... to what degree have i contributed to that ? (its a fair question)

Most likely, even I attracted certain aspects into my life, the way they proceeded / developed. Given that I didn't really know my true wishes, desires, wishes and goals in life. More like somebody who was still "bobbing around in the ocean". Sort of diffused, without a real aim in life.

If you give off diffuse "goals" or wishes, then perhaps the universe reflects and manifest exactly that into your life; Relationships who are passioned, yet in the longer haul aimless and diffuse. Without roots or reflections upon deeper insights - how a life and relationships you want to develop.