Erase - Rewind

Yesterday I wrote a huge amount of text here; really long and unusual personal; reflecting and retelling a story about a huge betrayal of what I thought was a friend. Which i even introduced to Sal, my husband - and we thought very highly of her.

However, it is most likely that this person was the closest thing to a psychopath for real, i ever met. I can only think of people like Perry (2003-05) and the guy from Gothenburg (Spring 2014) that come close. Albeit both of them, are not true psychopath, but more like sociopathic traits.

Perhaps this applies to the woman as well, I don't know. The true definition of a psychopath, sociopath and then we've got narcissists - are (in my world) quite diffuse - and are often loosely being used, without distinction och direct definition.

What all three types have in common is the ability to produce tales, excuses, lies which makes the connected people believe them as being true. But when you know the people over time, a pattern emerges which contains 1) sudden, extremely odd moments or events and 2) lies which do not reflect the reality.

We project the better in people. At first.

However, we usually don't think the worst of people, and believe what they tell us. The other clue is, the important glue - is that a psychopath/sociopath/narcissistic are being loved, liked or in other ways, you get very fond of the person as such.

They ensnare you, and you want a person to be in your life, perhaps even wanting to support, encourage and mingle with them. They do a couple nice things for you, to which you bind yourself even closer to them. And then there are strange gaps. Blackouts or events which simple are odd and inexplainable. You think "OK", and often i have noticed you explain away odd events, even excusing them. Again, we don't think the worst of people we like.

Odd moments and behaviors out of the blue

Somewhere along the line, more odd events happen, to which no answers are found. At this stage - in secrecy in the back of my head, i already register all the oddities. I may not have answer to those, but there are there present. While on the outside i am as fond to a person as always. But that doesn't mean all my thoughts are corrupted the the psychopathic / pathological person.

And then comes the time, when totally trivial, innocent moment happens, in which the person with such characters, give you a shitstorm for something that barely is worth to make a problem. You do something without hurting the person, perhaps falling into the other person's speech or talk, or you go briefly into opposition by not agreeing with the person.

Pushing buttons, first discretely (you'll doing the rest / fill in)
because you want to support the person in good faith

Then the psychopath / sociopath person will push all the buttons to make you feel guilty. And because you love/like the person so much, you first get angry, but then collect yourself and "beg", like a sucker - you do the "right" thing, and go an apologize. Even if the event was something totally innocent, silly and not even intentionally meant to hurt the other person. You go there, and ensure that the person realized" that you meant no harm.

They then play as if they are OK-ish with that, but you can tell that they don't really accept your apology. Already here, you have been placed - as well you placed yourself as well, into an inferior position. All for the sake of making peace, and have the same good ol fine connection to that person.

And they uses this, to feel even more guilty - just wait. Because it usually doesn't end there. It would with normal people, but not with psychopaths / sociopath and narcissists.

Then, when you think everything is fine again, albeit you do have a sensitivity which tells you, that something still hasn't "healed" between both... it looks still pretty OK.

Then the person, out of the blue days later, will poke again into the same exact little event, and continue to place guilt and blame on you. If you thought the issue was ironed out, you realize that they continue to poke in exactly the spot, using the same guilt-cards, to make you feel bad.

And then it happens a third time.

But those who know me - i am a hotrod type of guy. And I told her off, like I rarely told the person off. Full force and power, and no holding back.

You do bitch with me. And i realize that you are a large big fake, who lives on playing the hurt innocent girl - while in reality, you are a fucking cunt, who misuses people in order to preserve your lies, deceptions and regain the roll of the hurt innocent girl - while at the same time, playing the blame game, trying to make people feel bad.

Well, it ain't working, bitch - simple because you've not been the first one. The shit ain't sticking and it ain't my monkey anymore.

Now comes the funny part:

A woman who for 1 year has been such a lovely, complex, funny as well at times also very deep person - which seemingly let me into her life, as i let her (easily) into my life - becomes a "thing", which i don't know what it is. Alien ? Psychopath ? The coldest of coldest being i have ever seen.

The face, staring with eyes, unmovable, no expression what so ever. And then after I told her off, just walks away. At the last confrontation, a very short one, in which i said

"You have lied to me several times - and thought, I wouldn't notice it". She looked at me, with half open eyes, like a pale gray, totally nonchalant and indifferent way - then put back her earplugs, and walked away. No emotional movement what so ever - nothing.

I have never experienced a more ice cold, indifferent person in my whole life. I mean, in a way, that was a performance so icy and immovable, that it is in itself a strong performance.

Ice Cold Calculating

Like an entity who from the ground up, has no emotions or other movements within. And herein comes the suspicion that she has strong psychopathic traits. The inner workings of such people are TOTALLY different from normal human beings and their emotional spectrum. You can not resonate, you can't appeal, and you will not get anywhere with anything. (Which is why it is a good thing, just to drop a psychopath as soon you revealed him/her as such - which isn't easy at all - because their traits are sneaky, and very well played.

A psychopath hates to be revealed in their lies, deceptions and maneuvers.

She has coming in with stories earlier, so "dramatic" at the same time odd - only a psychopath or sociopath can come up with. Again, I believed her - but something deep inside happened in me; a intuitive, instinctive resonance so strong like I rarely received. While i listened to her astonishing tale, deep inside i felt this off sensation of that this was all a lie, a sort of "rescue mission for herself, to explain away a totally different situation (in which she from a very tight, contact to me and Sal, all of the sudden ignored us for 6 weeks - without a message, hint or reply to my discrete short messages, asking if something happened)

Little 'errors' sometimes help you
long along the road, to discover... the true nature of things

But since i accidentally caught her on her return, in a moment that wasn't in the "script" - i took her partially off guard. And that resulted into the most bizarre behavior i have seen in a long time.

The strangest thing was, that it reminded me of a period in my life a very long time ago, in which i "faked" something serious (but hated it so much to play in front of a good friend - that i immediately came clear and told the truth - and never "faked" it ever again).

And that experience kind of popped up like a red signal of recognition, when the woman did her bizarre performance. Which then 2 hours later, became even more bizarre and sounded like super serious - where anyone would feel a strong sympathy, pity and readiness to aid, support and comfort her.

Only that the so called event she was referring to - was all fake. Thus, 10 minutes later, she was extra happy, "open" and never ever returned to the "serious event that had occurred to her". Which is super strange for a woman that says having experienced something so horrible - then 10 minutes later is like a springtime girl dancing in the rain (so to speak).

Playing with the worst kind of story's

It was later i realized, that she was happy because I swallowed her blatant lies. So she was relieved. Because i caught her earlier, in an unprepared moment, her bizarre behavior had no answer to my question of "what happened to you in the past 6 weeks". I have never ever seen such a drama performance, you know. It was so off, weird and beyond any logic...

Then she made up a serious horrible story . But one, to which she then 10 minutes later, was cheerful, relieved and relaxed - and it never came up to the discussion anymore.

If woman who has had a recent serious, horrible event - isn't relieved, cheerful and relaxed only 10 minutes later. It would shine though, the part of her body and soul who feels hurt and damaged - and it would have shown "in between the lines and moment" over the time later.

Nothing there of. Absolute nothing.

She didn't play it over or "hid" it. Because it was a blatant lie she used to deceive me, and create a diversion maneuver, to get out of it. In like i already said, the most bizarre way.

The other strange thing is, that she complains that nobody likes her, and notices when a person doesn't greet her. Well here is the thing; she walks into the room, doesn't look at people, looks as if her face and nose are raised, the eyes kind of half open like a Diva Queen who is too precious for all the other "rats" (colleagues) in the room. But the bitch has the audacity to complain, that she hasn't been greeted to.

I wonder why, you know.

Maybe some people have an instinctive, unaware "radar" who avoid certain people, because they are by design toxic.

16 years

Make no mistake, she was in the 16 years i have met her at work, a lovely, kind of geeky person - i liked very much. She always came up and "demanded" a hug - and i thought that was funny. So, she continued to do so over the years. I didn't think about that, but like hugs. So, it became a tradition when we met at work. After all, i am gay, and she is hetero - so I don't feel entangled in a woman's dominatrix spider web how to influence guys. Because you pee at the wrong tree in my case. Therefore i felt relaxed and immune to any tricks and games.

However, I did develop a keen, and fond feeling for her. AS we then started to work together, therefore also interacting more often. it developed into a seemingly wonderful contact, where we also private started to mingle. However with a lot of "do and don't". You never get to her home. I made basically all the first steps. We invited her, and always paid for our café visits, except one - which ironically was the one, from which she spun a super drama; that i fell into her words. And since then, she never forgave me.

I thought - gosh - if you ever go to Italy, you gonna learn about life and communication. And when somebody cuts into somebody else word flow, it is rather "mandatory" than odd.

She however, worked very hard, with an onset of guilt-card, who were so severe, as if i had done something really, really bad.

So, all this "over-the-top" reaction, combined with "Silent Treatment" - in which she pretends that everything is OK, but at the same time, when we talk, doesn't even once look me in the yes... so, I had to ask, What is up ? Are you OK". And then she would whine about the same café visit event, that I cut into her words, and "didn't listen to her".

And i thought, what the shit is this all about. At the third time - when she started again - but not until i again asked "Is everything OK with you ? You don't even look me in the eyes...?" - she would babble about the café event - but i didn't understand it at first. It sounded like i had done something a second time... So i asked "Are you still at the café incident 2 weeks ago"

Blame Games over Nothing

Jupp. She was.

That's when I had it, and then she got the whole treatment in which i didn't hold back in words. What a psychopath she must be, to twist and turn things, so that she can alway remain the poor, hurt girl, nobody liked, while at the same time being the main propagator to initiate such intrigues and shit.

Boy did she get it.

I also told her, that "your ice cold appearance now, pretending not to hear... i don't buy your BS for a moment". Your spell and deceptions and above all, those wicked blame-games, have no more hold over me. Your creation are one big fake, in order to manipulate other people, while at the same time, dealing with you, is like dealing with a mine field, which a person eventually simple has to stomp into a trap - and then you play your games and blame cards.

- "You have lied too many times to me. You thought I wouldn't notice."

That's it.

Bitch.

It means; there will be no second airline for you here - not in this book. (Or Sal's)

Don't make the error

To mixed up kindness with stupidity. I am sure she thought i was a match, and that my support, encouragement of her "poor little soul", was a sign of ignorance and stupidity. Thus, the psycho puppy has peed at the wrong tree here.

She must have thought I wouldn't notice the strange patterns over time (1 year) which suddenly aligned extremely odd, momentary behavior - and tell a quite different story, once you align all the connections.

She thought I would play along her games, hidden intrigues.

I really loved her - and thought she was an awesome, quirky, complex person. We had really good times - but now i also see the many patterns - and i have to call a lot of stories from her in question - because there is always the risk that what she told me, might not be exactly the same as having been truthful. Maybe they are stories who where created or changed, in order to preserve her inner perspective on her self and other people. It always seem to be that "she is the victim", and the pronunciation of how terribly bad self confidence she has. At the same time, already there - are discrepancies present. She has typical dominating Queen like characters, when you dig a little bit deeper.

"The Hurt little Girl"

Seemingly hidden behind a fragile, inferior shell, eternally hopeless she says about herself, to make her being whole and "doesn't believe in it". (She is also strangely immune to all kinds of support, encouragement - as if she didn't hear what you said).

Another "Feature" or bug is, that she constantly excuses herself ALL the time when you interact with her. For even the slightest. Like a girl who might have done something wrong - but where an apology is totally the wrong place, because it was never needed nor was anything done wrong.

But the clue is, she does that in all that, what is totally unnecessary to apologize for - even for things nobody asks her to apologize for.

Excluding yourself from consequences of your actions

She fails however 100% to apologize when she actually lied, did something in truth wrong, hurt people / approached people in a bad way, or does other negative things (often in an indirect projecting way, via accusations and false interpretations).

She NEVER includes herself in the outcome of the consequences, e.g. though introspection reflections, despite her having participated in the situation in the first place. She "sees" (insist on claiming) herself being a victim, even when she has been highly involved in the outcome, by initiating scenarios that lead up to such results.

You walk into a room filled with people

If i would walk into a room of people, ignoring them all - ice cold, kind of high-up-nose face, like a diva who doesn't deign to look at other people - always sitting in distance isolated - BUT THEN complaining about that I wasn't greeted by others....

Come on, seriously ?! You can't make that shit up.

Oh, but she does !

I'd say: go fuck you so much.

It's just off wherever you look

Now that I see the patterns, while having freed myself from my emotions and sympathy from her - I see very clearly an intricate patterns who align into each other; therefore the picture which crystallizes out of all - is very, very different different - and there is nothing, absolutely lovely or spontaneous about her.

It is ice cold calculation and programming going off by default.

Her intelligence is by the way very sharp, and she notices a many fine details not even I think of sometimes. So, she is highly skilled and functional in many ways. Plus that you sometimes glimpse a strange, superior type of attitude inside her, when you look closer. Which are in contradiction to the seemingly fragile personality, in which she "barely copes with life".

It is all BULLSHIT by design. So, welcome to the world of psychopathy & sociopathy.

Nevertheless - it was a great, highly valuable experience.