Hidden Mines

Some people i know of, show such a complex inner life, with erratic behavior, from extreme opposites poles on their inside... Throw a secret dominating queen with that of a little, hurt and damaged girl together. Then you could say: "It's really complicated".

That's what the photo is made for. a Person, fragile yet strong. Stubborn yet vulnerable. Lovely as well treacherous in reactions when you least expect it. Having both a hidden high, as well an extreme low opinion about her person. Wrapped in a steel mantle. Nevertheless, she has an amazing personality, i find highly interesting - perhaps because of her complexity. When she verbalizes her thoughts, there are great depths to be found !

But yeah - it's complicated.

Kind of like meeting a person - absolutely lovely, geeky and fun to interact with - while also having serious deep talks - and then... surrounded by invisible mines and bombs - without you have a manual where those are located - that you almost by default will step onto a mine. Guaranteed.

Without negative or bad intentions from your side - you'll find yourself suddenly stepping right onto a mine - and it goes off with delay from behind, unexpected, out of the blue. BAM !

Me, wondering how this even could happen in the first place.

It is exhausting.

It devours energies for no good reason or purpose. It just eats energy in both.

In the path of that, follow "Silent Treatments", "accusations for nothing". When a fly becomes a big elephant of of really nothing than a normal human mistake (e.g. Cutting off a word flow / falling into the others words - that was it) - but then days after, gets so much weight, making you stand out as a bad person, as if you wanted to kill them or something. Just by raising your voice a notch. (and it truly wasn't more then that).

When all the many good gestures from the past 12 month, the invitations, the interactions with my husband, the dinners at our home - suddenly gets erased for a tiny, futile event, barely noticeable - suddenly weighting as strong as if you did the unthinkable, dreadful.

Geeezas. No reasonable proportions what so ever. Now THAT makes me furious in hindsight. The mind games. The fuck up. The totally disproportion reaction on something so simple as by accident falling into somebody else's persons word flow.

A real WTF?! moment.

I mean, with some people, there is no moderation. Yet, i didn't get any forewarning either. And where the fuck do such extreme reactions come from ? I mean, when things go so completely out of proportions - isn't it time for me, to review my relationship to that person, and asking myself - is that worth it ?!

It would likely be more respectful to cool down the contact, and keeping it strictly professional instead. For both sake. Which is also a matter of respect, both ways.

Some people are so damaged

and fucked up in their mind, that they can't see straight, albeit their intellect is well developed and deep - but their emotions so damaged, that nothing gets through when a bomb explodes for even no reason.

Here is the thing with me as a person: I can be seen as blunt at times. At the same time, people know me very well as being frank and honest !

One of the coolest (straight) macho guys at work, came the other week and gave me a big hug. I was totally baffled and said "Is it hugging week ?!". He said, you are the most honest and straight guy i know - and i am thankful for that you are the way you are.

It came totally out of the blue.

He surely doesn't mind if I happen to disrupt his word flow during a discussion - and knows that I do mean NO harm or disrespect.

I highly dislike to pretend

for anyone, just because it is perhaps expected or "appropriate". Surely i am not totally unaffected, and do think a lot about human interactions, and what should or shouldn't be shown. In real life however, I am pretty straight in that regard. Not mean nor disrespectful. But I will not bow to manipulations and expectations. To lie, because somebody else's psyche is fragile, wicked or even negative tilted. I do not seek conflict - but i can sometimes put the fist on the table, and tell a person off.

I know one co-worker who said, she could "throw all men in front of the train". Or that when you meet her with even a SIMPLE meaning, which does NOT correspond to her opinion - she castrates you on the spot with such a twisted, negative face and call you "conspiracy nut". While she herself is full of shit in the way she behaves towards others.

I told her off, with calm voice and said

"You are a grown up woman, 60 years of age. And so am I. How can it be, that you meet people with such a nasty, negative attitude, without even the slightest allowing other people to have a different opinion than you ? How can it be that other opinions are not allowed to co-exist ? DO you call that mature ? It is not !

You are a mother and a mature woman - certainly should now better to show some respect for other human beings. Is that too little to ask for ? Or do you walk around castrating everybody verbally who doesn't agree with you ? How come, that you today have become the very same, you once intended to fight against in others earlier in life ?!

Since then, she doesn't greet me anymore. At the same time, she has lowered her loud attitude, i have heard from others. A grown up woman, so fucked up that she in every third meaning, must tell the world how much she hates women.

How about doing THE WORK, and do some serious springtime cleaning in your psyche ? Nothing comes from nothing ? Yet, it always takes two to tango. And we are always entangled with the situations we sometimes feel to be "victim of" - in one or the other way - there is some serious stuff to be learned from. And it isn't always easy to get the answers. It takes courage, and perhaps most important: Pure Honesty ! To oneself to begin with. Then you will start to get answers. Not all of them ma be so pretty, but it does shed light into misery, and the trolls start to crack in sunlight.

Hate surely isn't the final answer to the riddle of why things "happen" in our lives.

In good company with Genocidal Pol Pot & Netanyahu

You know, when a person wishes to throw all men in front of a train, the attitude is no better, than Pol Pot who killed anyone who had glasses, accused for being intellectuals. Or Netanyahu who calls anyone who doesn't agree with his extreme opinions, as Amalek, the greatest enemies of enemies, and kills them all in a Genocide.

Imagine if i would come along, and say at work "I would like to throw all women in front of the train". Now image the out cry at work ! It would turn into a disaster of epic proportions. It would be made into such, i mean. With today's snowflake and woke thinking, anything can happen out of almost nothing.

Wicked times.

My Co-Workers during the past 30 years

I also noticed something else about for example my worker colleagues - that my experience of them, loosely in contact at work - often show many, many years later, a lot of things about them, i had absolutely no idea of. Showing off contrary characters, e.g even nasty ones in the hidden.

I guess we all mingle with different sides of a character - while many sides are on the back, not visible to us. When it comes to my colleagues at work, I largely never established any private contact for most of my life (in the past 30 years). It is only in the latter years, I have become more friendly with a very few of them. But that doesn't mean I know them.

Because I don't.

But when I get to hear the deeper nature of other colleagues - i am almost taken aback, over the brutal nature of intrigues, sexual relations and misconducts and well, endless drama and interactions. I truly had no idea - and feel almost like a "Dumb blond".

Again, - i didn't interact a lot with my colleagues in private, because the nature of my work, doesn't really allow it. While lively at work during breaks - we often talked and discussed, around many subjects, with a wide margin (which was much easier up until 2020). But all that stayed at work as such.

Most of my colleagues i really love

It makes me happy every time i meet them - that warm feeling in my chest. Even if it is just a brief moment, when you pass the train from one driver to the next.

However, I had no idea of their more hidden nature, interactions, and the drama queen situations and actions though the past decades. Something that I have gotten to know a lot more about lately. Which literally made me stare with big eyes.

I had no idea of how much (at times even serious) drama there have been at work !!! Again, I am pretty naive, it seems. It doesn't even come close to anything I have done at work... not even by a long shot.

I guess, over time i chose to love them, without digging into their background.

Well, I don't dig. I listen to what they tell me - but i don't really asked questions about their background and dealings.

It is over the course of decades i got to know quite a lot more, i never thought would be possible. (I guess it is still a typical human behavior, whether right or wrong).

So, back then I kept my distance - separating my private life from my work life. I had enough in my plate with private relations, love affairs /marriage and conflicts - that I didn't really feel for mixing that with my work space. Sure, I would actually be quite open talking about my own relationships and dealings at work... If it sort of contributed something to the discussions, I mean. However in my private life, our worlds didn't interact with one another. Which wasn't really intentionally or a goal i had.

It just developed that way.